Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
