First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
