It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
