It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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