Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
