i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
