I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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