People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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