I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
