dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
