there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
