gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
