I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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