I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
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Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
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I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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