Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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