Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
