Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
