I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
