so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
