'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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