He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
