I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
