He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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