WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
