I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
