The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
