I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
