Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Two words: blizzard sex
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
