im drinking this country out of the recession.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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