I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
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I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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