There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
