Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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