my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
