my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
