My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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