How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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