I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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