yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
