I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
