so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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