To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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