So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
