On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
