I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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