my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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