Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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