Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
