Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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