it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
she woke up with a sticky ear
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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