Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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