omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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