I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
