I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
