Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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