i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
