She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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