there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
