My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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