My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
operation harelip BJ is a go
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
