If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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